bettyvalentine's Blog

I'm all boozed up & full of the blues. 

I miss my Mum so much. I look at photos of her & I now and am despaired by my feelings of disconnect. She has become a memory. She is an abstract entity of my past. Sometimes I think it would be easier believing in an after-life. I might be deluded myself but at least I could pretend that my Mum still existed in some form. 

I can't do that though. She ended the moment her heart stopped beating. 

Overall, I'm doing fantastically and the future is looking bright. But tonight I just miss my Mummy. And I'm going to sit in the computer room with the lights out and sob until I'm exhausted. And I'm okay with that. 

Free Bird - Lynyrd Skyrynd. Okay, not a particularly melancholy song but it was the closing song at my mother's funeral so now it holds deep emotional value to me. 

Hope There's Someone - Antony & The Johnsons. I don't know how anybody could listen to this song and not weep. Or at least get goosebumps. It's chillingly sombre. 

Milk - Kings of Leon. I dunno why I cry with this one. I think it's a teen angst thing. I used to listen to this song in my room, with the lights out and my headphones on and just weep...when I was about 15. (P.s. The Mighty Boosh pisstake of this song is genuinely hilarious too)

Angel - Sarah McLachlan. We all know I'm not even remotely religious but I still like listening to this song when I'm sad. 

The Noose - A Perfect Circle. I think this may be my most favourite song of all time. I just can't fault it. It moves me in ways I cannot explain. Maynard James Keenan is a genius. And this song is fucking beautifully sorrowful. 
My Immortal - Evanescence. Another cliche one...But still makes me cry every time. 

This has been my first semester back at university studying fulltime in 2 years. 

I'm feeling pretty stoked with myself because my grades are, effectively, the highest yet in my whole 6 years studying. 

I completed three courses this semester. 

(Australian Tertiary Grading System in ascending order: Fail, Pass, Credit, Distinction, High Distinction)
In Aboriginal Education I've received a High Distinction grade.
In English Teaching Grade 7-10 I've received a Distinction grade.
In my Children's Literature course I have yet to submit my final research paper. Due to my high marks on my previous assignments, I will still receive a Pass grade without submitting the final assignment. However, my lecturer has given me special consideration and is allowing me extra time to submit my final paper in order to achieve a higher grade. 

My query is - Do I submit the paper or not? Should I settle with a pass? My brain is really struggling to write this paper for some unknown reason. I began writing the paper but then realised my thesis argument was contradictory so I erased & started from scratch. I've done all the research work, and have all my sources and references lined up...It's just a matter of compiling all that into a concise argument. And it just seems too stressful. I think I'm thinking about it too much. I'm not seeing my psychologist until the 17th of Dec. so I thought I would seek EP peeps' advice. 

I just discovered my funeral song:

'Roll Me Up (And Smoke Me When I Die)' - Willie Nelson feat. Snoop Dogg. 

Fuck yeah. Seriously. I'm putting that shit in my will. 

After a lengthy and horrific battle with breast cancer, my Mum died in hospital two weeks ago. I held her hand and sobbed violently as I watched as she gurgled her last breaths. 

I will never forget the horror of watching my Mum slowly die from cancer, and I will miss her every day. 

She was 49 years old and she was the most beautiful woman I know. 

I am grateful that I was lucky enough to have 23 wonderful years with my Mum and that she was able to stick around long enough to help shape me into the young woman I've become. 

I love you, Mum. 


Mum, taken when she was about the same age I am now

Out here nothin' changes
Not in a hurry anyway
You can feel the endlessness
With the comin' of the light ‘o day
You're talkin' bout a chosen place
You wanna sell it in a marketplace
Well
Well just a minute now

You're standin' on
Solid rock
Standin' on sacred ground
Livin' on borrowed time
And the winds of change
Are blowin' down the line

Right down the line

Well round about the dawn of time
The Dreaming all began
A crowd of people came
Well they were lookin' for their promised land
We're runnin' from the heart of darkness
Searchin' for the heart of light
It was their paradise

Well they were standin' on
Solid rock
Standin' on sacred ground
Livin' on borrowed time
And the winds of change
Were blowin' cold that night

Well they were standin' on the shore one day
Saw the white sails in the sun
Wasn't long before they felt the sting
White man, white law, white gun
Don't tell me that it's justified
Cause somewhere
Someone lied
Yeah, well someone lied
Someone lied
Genocide
Well someone lied

And now you're standin' on
Solid rock
Standin' on sacred ground
Livin' on borrowed time
And the winds of change
Are blowin' down the line

Solid rock
Standin' on sacred ground
Livin' on borrowed time
And the winds of change
Are blowin' down the line

Solid rock
Standin' on sacred ground
Livin' on borrowed time
And the winds of change
Are blowin' down the line
No!

ARIA Awards - 2001.

John Butler Trio performing their epic song 'Pickapart'. He had to shorten the original song significantly (I think the original is about 9 minutes long) for commerical television.

I was 13 when i saw this. It made me want to pick up a guitar. I played until I was 18. I received a grade of 89% in my music class in my senior year of high school - All because of this one performance.